The end of the school year is just days away and while most children are excited about the coming summer play time, many families are feeling a little stressed about choosing summer programs to occupy their children during the break. When parents are working, this often means selecting daycare or summer camps and activities to entertain or educate.

While the usual factors parents consider include things such as cost, the type of activities to best match the child’s interests, age, and abilities, there are additional considerations we encourage parents to check out before making a final choice. Even if you have already decided who will be watching your children this summer, there is some double-checking you may want to do to best ensure your child’s safety.

The Northampton, MA-based Stop It Now! is dedicated to preventing child sexual abuse and contributes some of the following to consider:

Ask how the organization screens and trains their staff. Do employees have to be licensed or pass a background check? Are references cleared (beyond family and close friends)? Since child sexual abuse is often unreported, the vast majority of people who have sexually abused children can still pass background checks and their involvement in children’s summer programs gives predators a chance to groom potential victims. (Consider doing an on-line search to see what comes up for each staff person’s name – inappropriate Face Book posts, criminal activities, etc.)

Ask to see a copy of the organization’s policies or code of conduct for employee and volunteer interactions with children and each other. According to the CDC, those with written guidelines do a better job of monitoring and correcting potentially harmful situations. You also have the right know to know if the organization has a written grievance policy that allows you to raise questions about child safety without feeling threatened.

Look closely at the physical space where your children will be spending time. Notice whether there are hidden spaces where a child can be taken away from responsible adult supervision and look to see whether someone who is not affiliated with the program can walk in without being noticed.

Ask how many children there will be and how many adults. No one adult should have more than four infants, age three and younger, to watch at any given time. If the children are over the age of four, a safe ratio is said to be one adult for every ten children. If that is outside your comfort zone, consider choosing a program with more adults available or better-trained staff.

Think about how your child is being transported and know whether someone other than the driver will be providing supervision. (Are there seatbelts and appropriate car seats? Are the drivers licensed and insured?) You may want to know that no one can pick up your child without your permission to do so.

Most parents want their children to have a fun and relaxing summer. Many look for activities to help their children retain what they’ve already learned or increase a child’s skills. While none of us can guarantee our children will be happy all the time or that all potential hazards have been removed, our primary consideration has to be that children are supervised by adults dedicated to their safety and well-being.

A reader recently sent a YouTube video (filmed seven years ago) showing a father beating his 16-year old daughter with a belt. That teen, now an adult, says her parents were angry at her for downloading pirated content over the Internet. The video shows the father lashing his daughter 17 times and threatening to beat her “into submission,” and appears very abusive to me.

The increased furor over this case occurs in part because this father is a Texas judge who deals with hundreds of family law cases. Nearly 50 of those he judged in the past year alone involved determining whether parents were fit to raise their children. Judge William Adams says the video made his punishment seem worse than it was. “In my mind, I haven’t done anything wrong other than discipline my child after she was caught stealing,” he told news reporters. “And I did lose my temper, but I’ve since apologized.” His daughter stated that it was a regular occurrence and she posted it because she wanted him to seek help.

Many physically abusive parents and caregivers insist their actions are simply forms of discipline—ways to make children learn to behave. Even if you believe in spanking (a caution area), there is a big difference between using physical punishment to discipline and physical abuse. The point of disciplining children is to teach them right from wrong, not to make them live in fear.

As a parent or caregiver, how do you know if you have crossed the line from discipline to abuse? Helpguide.org offers some guidance:

You can’t stop the anger. What starts as a swat on the backside turns into multiple hits that get harder. Shaking a child uncontrollably, throwing him or her down. You find yourself screaming louder and louder and don’t stop yourself.

You feel emotionally disconnected from your child. You may feel so overwhelmed that you don’t want anything to do with your child. You just want to be left alone and for your child to be quiet.

Meeting the daily needs of your child seems impossible. Everyone occasionally struggles with balancing children’s needs and activities, but if you continually cannot manage to do the basics – feeding, dressing, getting them to school – take it as a sign that you need help.

If you find yourself appalled that parents or caregivers venture into such dark areas, consider your level of willingness to get involved in saving a child from a physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually abusive, or neglectful situation. If you believe interfering in another family’s private life is none of your business, consider the long-term consequences. We know child maltreatment often has an enormous toll on the survivor’s future in terms of reaching her/his full potential and becoming a safe and healthy teen and adult, which is important individually and for their own future families and community.

However, it affects all other members of the community: Federal health officials estimate one year’s child abuse cases costs the United States approximately $124 billion dollars.

Under New Mexico law, every person is required to report suspected abuse. You can do so easily and anonymously by dialing #SAFE (#7233) on your cell phone, or the Statewide Central Intake number of New Mexico Children, Youth and Families Department at 1-855-333-SAFE (7233).

Sexual activity requires clear consent from both partners. Consent is a clear and voluntary agreement that you and your intimate partner agree to engage in sexual activity at that time. When sexual contact happens without consent, it is an assault.

Sexual assault does not require force or coercion. A sexual assault victim does not have to try to resist the unwanted sexual advances. If the person felt threatened or filled with fear and did not freely give consent that is assault.

Learning about consent—both how to get it, and how to refuse it—will help avoid the risk of unwanted sexual contact. The only way to know for sure if someone has consented to sexual contact is if they tell you – specifically. Sometimes our partners use body language to tell us that they do not like what is going on. For example, s/he may not respond to being touched, may turn away, may push you away, or tense up. The look on his/her face or body language is also a way of communicating and often conveys more than words.

If you are not sure that your partner is comfortable about any kind of sexual activity, just ask what s/he wants to do—if they want to go further or want to stop. If you do not get a clear answer, then you should stop what you are doing and talk to them about it.

In order to get your partner’s clear consent, s/he must be fully conscious and aware. A person who is out of it, because of drugs, alcohol, or for any other reason, cannot give consent. This seems obvious but 75% of men and more than 55% of women involved in acquaintance or date rape had been drinking or had taken drugs just before the assault. Being with someone in a sexual way when they do not fully know what is going on and agree to it is the same as rape.

You and your partner must be free to change “yes” to “no” at any time, and at any point during a sexual interaction. A person can give consent at first, and then change her/his mind. And just because you have had sex before, or even if you are married or in a long-term relationship, does not mean that consent is automatic. If one partner says “No” and the other forces sexual contact, it is an assault.

The breakdown in telling your partner “no” is not consent. Just because a person fails to resist sexual advances does not mean that she or he has given consent. Consent is not the absence of the word “no.” Also, giving in to sexual advances is not the same as giving consent. If you are seriously pressured, badgered, or even threatened and decide to give in to having sex, that is not the same as willingly consenting to sexual contact.

Even if s/he spends the night at your house, even if you have been having sex for six months, it is never okay to force sexual activity on anyone. If s/he is telling you “no”, and not actually and clearly saying “yes”, then the absolute answer is “no”. The lack of “yes” is lack of consent. And consent is truly sexy.

In the last column, we offered some ways to help parents and caretakers protect children from sexual abuse. We wish no child would ever be sexually abused, but we know it happens all too often. The information below includes some common warning signs of children who are being sexually abused. Not all sexually abused children will show obvious signs of abuse. Although some children may display these behaviors because of other issues going on in their lives, these behaviors should not be ignored.

Children and adolescents may start having nightmares or other sleep problems, seem distracted or distant, or suddenly change eating habits or have trouble swallowing. An outgoing child may become withdrawn or exhibit sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity, or withdrawal. Slightly older children may leave “clues” that seem likely to provoke discussion about sexual issues; younger ones may draw, write or talk about sexual images. Some children develop new or unusual fears of certain people or places, or begin to think of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad.

Pay attention if a young child resists removing clothes at appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering), asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games, mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal, or starts having wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training. Take a closer look if your older child suddenly has money, toys, or other gifts you cannot afford.

Older children may also begin cutting/burning themselves, become sexually promiscuous, begin using drugs/alcohol, threaten to run away or attempt suicide. An older child who used to be affectionate may also withdraw, have extreme mood swings, or become compulsive about dieting or eating.

Unfortunately, physical signs of sexual abuse are not common. If you see these signs, take your child to a doctor to help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.

• Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
• Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

It is important to take action at the first sign of trouble. Create a safety plan that includes educating everyone in the family about age-appropriate sexual development, talk to your children and listen to her/his questions, fears and concerns. Teach young children that no one has the right to touch their private parts (unless for medical reasons) and not to touch anyone else’s private parts.

Set clear family guidelines for personal privacy and behavior and model respecting these guidelines. “Stop It Now,” a child abuse prevention organization has both warning signs and actions at stopitnow.org. They also suggest you regularly identify one or more support person for each member of the family to talk to if there is a concern. Having safe, responsible and consistent adult(s) who care for a child or adolescent to turn to is critical. However, if someone seems “too good to be true,” ask more questions. Even a close friend or relative may not be a safe person to trust with your child.

If you need immediate assistance, please contact local police @ 9-1-1 or Holy Cross Hospital. You can also contact ChildHelp at 1.800.4ACHILD (1.800.422.4453).

It would be ridiculous for me to say we should all be comfortable talking about child sexual abuse. It has long been a taboo topic for “polite conversation.” However, as long as we treat it as a taboo topic, the myths persist and children continue to be sexually abused – one generation after another.

Quanitta Underwood, America’s best hope for an Olympic medal in the upcoming first-ever women’s boxing games lived with the terror and shame.  She and her older sister were both sexually abused over many years by their father (an active church member and president of the parents’ association at their school).  Neither girl told their mother until they were in their teens. Their father was then convicted and eventually sent to prison.

The persistent myths surrounding this crime are numerous – and many are false.

Myth: Children are seldom victims of sexual abuse. Fact: It is estimated that at least 2 out of every 10 girls, and 1 of every 10 boys are sexually abused by the end of their 13th year.

Myth: Most sexual abuse of children is by strangers. Fact: 93% of all child sexual abuse occurs at the hands of someone known to the child and trusted by the parents.

Myth: Anyone who sexually abuses a child is a “monster” and I would recognize if I saw one. Fact: The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children estimates that 747,408 convicted sex offenders are currently located in the United States; NOT including those who have been accused, but not convicted.

Myth: I don’t personally know anyone who has been sexually abused as a child. Fact: Today in the US, there are more than 3 million children who are victims, and 39 million adults who have survived child sexual abuse.

Part of the reason we hold to the notion that child sexual abuse is a distant crime, removed from our direct experience is that most children have a hard time telling. They feel ashamed; they protect their abusers because they are part of the family; and sometimes they just don’t know the words.

We cannot wait for professionals – teachers, religious leaders, or law enforcement – to handle child sexual abuse. They get there too late. In order to prevent abuse, each of us has to be willing to have uncomfortable conversations about it. Ask school and organizational administrators what policies they have in place to protect children from molestation and request written copies.

Just as we teach children as toddlers about their bodies – heads, shoulders, etc., we also need to teach protective and boundary factors: privacy, private areas, appropriate touch, when/where to touch others… what to do and who to tell if someone does try to do something off limits. PRACTICE the conversation and skills with your child, just as you would for something such as fire safety. Update the conversation according to your child’s age. And if your child tries to tell you someone you know has been inappropriate, give your child the benefit of your listening and belief.

Child sexual abuse is absolutely preventable. So go ahead. Be uncomfortable talking about child sexual abuse. Talk about it anyway.

February is “Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.” In dating violence, as in adult

intimate
partner violence, one partner tries to maintain power and control over the
other through abuse. Dating violence is common: according to the 2007 Youth Risk

Behavior 10% of adolescents reported being the victim of physical violence from a

dating partner during the previous year. Nearly 30% reported being verbally or psychologically abused in the previous year, according to the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent
Health. More than a third reported their partners exhibited controlling
behaviors such as wanting to know where they were and who they were with all
the time.

Parents, teachers, and
youth leaders can help by stepping up to engage teens and help them learn to
get out of or steer clear of teen dating violence and to recognize the signs of
potential abuse. A teen may be a victim of dating violence if s/he:

• Apologizes
  and/or makes excuses for his/her partner’s behavior.
• Loses
  interest in activities that s/he used to enjoy.
• Stops
  seeing friends and family members and becomes more and more isolated.
• Casually
  mentions the partner’s violent behavior, but laughs it off as a joke.
• Has
  unexplained injuries or the explanations for the injuries don’t make
  sense.

Your child, or your
child’s partner, may be a perpetrator of dating violence if s/he:

• Calls
  his/her partner names and puts him/her down in front of others or on
  Facebook.
• Acts
  extremely jealous of others who pay attention to their dating partner.
• Tells
  their partner “Your parents don’t like me,” to try to keep their partner
  from talking to her/his parents about concerns in the relationship.
• Controls
  their partner’s behavior, checking up constantly, calling or texting, and
  demanding to know who s/he has been with.
• If
  s/he violently lose his/her temper, striking or breaking objects.

(From
loveisnotabuse.org)

Talk with your older
children about the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships,
rather than just warning about the dangers and signs of dating violence. Loveisnotabuse.org
has a guide for starting a conversation with your teen about this issue. Ask
questions like: Have you ever seen any abuse between people at school who are
going out?; Why do you think someone would abuse someone they are dating?; What
can you do if a friend is in an abusive relationship or is abusive? If your
child is in a relationship, ask him or her how the relationship is going. Or
what happens when their girl/boyfriend is upset or angry with her/him.

Children can learn what
a healthy relationship looks like and the characteristics of a good partner. For
example, in a healthy relationship the partners respect each other and their
individuality. Both feel safe about sharing feelings. A good partner
understands the other person needs to have time alone, to study or to hang out
with friends and family. A good partner compliments their boy/girlfriend,
encouraging them to achieve goals and does not resent accomplishments.

If you are concerned
about your teen’s dating partner or behavior, check out the loveisrespect.org
website, contact us at CAV at 758-8082, or call the national teen dating
violence hotline at 1-866-331-9474.

We commonly wonder why a victim of domestic violence stays with her
abuser. Among the many reasons she may choose to stay are: she doesn’t have the
money or job skills to live independently; she believes her religion or culture
obligate her to stay; she lacks family or friends; she is in denial about being
abused; she wants to keep her family intact.

Another reason a victim may stay is
because leaving her abuser is simply too dangerous. Most people believe that once a victim
has left her abuser, she is safe. But the most
dangerous time for a victim is when she takes steps to leave the relationship. Seventy-five
percent of domestic violence calls to law enforcement and emergency room visits occur after a
victim leaves her abuser.

A victim knows it is too dangerous to leave the abuser because she has
experienced violent reactions when she asserted herself, even in small ways,
within their relationship. She may know it is too dangerous to leave because her
abuser has repeatedly threatened her with physical harm, with permanently taking
the children, with interfering with her job, etc. The abuser may have also
threatened to harm her children, other family members, friends, or co-workers
if she leaves. Abusers also commonly threaten to kill themselves if the victim
leaves.

Separation is dangerous because the abuser loses control of the victim. Partners who have never before been physically violent may sometimes choose
to become violent after a victim leaves. Many offenders
are enraged by the victim’s audacity at leaving. The abuser feels cheated or
betrayed because his/her way of life–dominance–was challenged. The abuser attempts to
regain control of the victim through stalking and violence, which almost always
escalate after a victim takes steps to separate.

An abuser uses a variety of tactics
to threaten or harm the victim after she leaves: calling, texting or e-mailing
repeatedly-even obsessively; showing up at the victim’s job or school; contacting
employers or family members. Children may not be returned from scheduled visits.
Or the offender may refuse to provide previously arranged childcare to cause interference
with the victim’s ability to work. Some offenders use the legal system or CYFD
as a weapon against their victims, who commonly do not have resources to hire an
attorney to adequately protect themselves and their children.

While some survivors are able
to achieve safety the first time they plan for and leave a violent relationship,
and some offenders learn to stop choosing violence, research and experience
show getting free of domestic abuse requires planning, support and time. On
average, a victim leaves her abuser seven times before she finally makes the
separation permanent.

If you are
afraid that your partner may become violent if you leave, first make a
carefully thought out safety plan that includes having a safe place to stay;
minimizing the risk that your abuser will find you; what you need to take with
you; how to care for your children; changing your phone number; etc. CAV has
staff to help make a safety plan that takes your situation into account.

In news reports of violent crimes against women, we
often hear that alcohol was involved. Recently, when a Jemez Pueblo man brutally
murdered a Navajo woman by sexually assaulting her with a shovel handle, federal
authorities reported “alcohol was involved.”

Although it is true that domestic and sexual violence
and drug and alcohol abuse frequently occur together, there is no evidence that
suggests substance abuse causes violent behavior. Dr.
Scott Hanson, director
of Ending the Violence, says: “Putting alcohol into your system does not cause
you to commit a sexual assault any more than putting gasoline into your car
causes you to drive to the airport.”

So why do we so often see
alcohol associated with domestic or sexual violence? One reason is that
American culture encourages people to view alcohol use as permission to behave
violently. “Many of the effects of alcohol are a result of our expectations
that it will affect us in certain ways. We learn these expectations from our
society,” says Dr. Hanson.

According to Kate Fox, a social anthropologist and
director of the Social Issues Research Centre in Great Britain, people from
different cultures learn different ways of behaving when they use alcohol. In
the United States and Great Britain, for example, drinking is associated with
aggression, promiscuity, and violence. But in most other cultures,
drinking is not associated with bad behavior at all. It is simply a normal part
of everyday life, similar to coffee.

These behavioral differences are not because Americans
drink more. Experiments have repeatedly demonstrated that when people think
they are drinking alcohol, they behave according to their cultural beliefs
about the effects of alcohol. For example, when American
men are fooled into believing that they have been drinking alcohol, they become
more aggressive and sexual despite actually having no alcohol in their system.

Experiments also show that even when people are very
drunk, they are perfectly capable of remaining in complete control of their
behavior if they are paid to act sober. (Similarly, I was able to appear sober
to my father when I came home drunk as a young adult.)

Drinking alcohol clearly impairs our nervous systems: it
may cause slurred speech, short-term memory loss, slower reaction times, etc.
But it does not cause people to break selective social rules about violence. It
cannot cause people to start fights at bars or abuse their intimate partners.

At CAV, we hear directly from a majority of batterer’s
who claim that alcohol or drugs caused them to abuse their intimate partners: it’s
a socially acceptable way of dodging responsibility. As one man in a domestic
violence offender program noted, “When I first came to your program I told you
that I hit my wife because I was drunk; now I realize that I drank so that I
could hit her.”

We have to let go of the idea that alcohol or drugs
are the cause of domestic and sexual violence. If we as a community come to
grips with the fact that alcohol/substance abuse is one problem and
domestic/sexual violence is another, we can affect change by holding offenders
accountable for their choices to behave violently.

January is “National Stalking Awareness Month” in an effort to raise awareness and help communities understand it better. The term “stalking” was nearly unheard of until more recent years unless it was in relation to someone famous and an “obsessed crazy stalker.”

I once attended an annual conference on intimate partner violence and listened to a woman tell how an ex-partner had stalked her. She described the elaborate lengths to which he had gone, how terrifying it had been, and how she had to change phone numbers, jobs, and even relocate. Her stalker’s unwanted attention ranged from sending her flowers, leaving “love notes” for her, and finding her at places she went. She talked about how incredibly hard it had been to get people to take her complaints seriously and how frustrating it was for responding law enforcement officers to not really know how to charge it as a crime.

I was stunned at a subsequent conference when there was a moment of silence called for in her memory – her stalker had killed her.

Although most cases of domestic and sexual violence include stalking at various levels by offenders, fortunately most do not end in death. The statistic is alarming though: Three out of four women killed by their intimate partners were stalked by that partner before they were killed. Because we know stalking is a serious indicator of the perpetrator’s capacity to inflict psychological, emotional, or physical harm on the victim, we can see it for the danger sign that it is. There are even anti-stalking laws now to help hold offenders accountable and courts are beginning to take even the seemingly small infractions seriously.

Stalking is a pattern of behavior (following, watching, contacting/harassing) by a person(s) toward someone else who does not want it. Behaviors range from annoying and intrusive (repeated texting, emailing, calling, following) to terrifying and dangerous (vandalism, threats to harm the victim, self, pets, others) – all in an effort to control their victims. It can escalate to violence quickly and can also include following or monitoring the victims’ friends, co-workers and family members to gather more information about the victim. Some stalkers may not have been physically violent previously which can leave their victims with a false sense of security.

Stalkers can dominate and devastate victims’ lives making them may feel unsafe and vulnerable, anxious and fearful of what might happen next. They come from all walks of life and backgrounds. The majority is intent on controlling their victims, and determined to use any available means (including their own friends or family members) to keep them in their power. Two-thirds of stalkers pursue their victims more than once a week using a variety of methods.

This is not a crime to ignore. Report every incident to law enforcement and document every contact with the stalker – times, dates, and places. Keep copies of photos, emails, messages, texts, notes, gifts, or anything sent by the stalker. Alert friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers/students about the stalking and enlist help. If the incidences are not taken seriously enough, speak with the supervisors and follow up.

To defeat stalkers, victims, law enforcement, and community members must take it seriously from the beginning. Victims need to trust their instincts. Community members can support victims by listening, showing support, and placing blame for the crime onto the criminal.

This time of year allows many to break from the routine of school or work and to spend time at special events, visit friends, or gather with our families. The season of both forced and genuine good cheer can be extremely stressful when unresolved conflicts erupt during a holiday gathering. This year, we could take the opportunity to navigate these situations with integrity and to model healthy behaviors for our children.

Here are a few common sense tips for getting through this next week with less stress and your sense of well being intact:

First, don’t expect miracles. Don’t try to resolve any old conflicts during a holiday gathering. If you can’t be genuinely cheerful, just be polite. Don’t be the one who starts rehashing old conflicts. These conversations will get messy and no one will be satisfied. Wait until after the holidays to have difficult conversations with your family. You will show your children that it is okay to be civil even when your relationships are not picture perfect.

Second, manage your expectations. There is a great deal of pressure during the holiday to have wonderful, jolly gatherings. No gathering will be perfect: the ham will be dry or Uncle Mel will drink too much. Sort out what you hope will happen from what you fear might happen. This year’s celebration does not have to be like last year’s or mirror your childhood rituals, for good and bad. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don’t live up to all of your expectations.

Third, ask for help. If your home is the center of the gatherings, ask others to help with cooking or decorating. Ask others to put up out of town guests. Relatedly, learn to say no. Taking on too much at the holidays—saying yes when you need to say no—will lead to being overwhelmed and resentful. Don’t let your holiday cheer be depleted by over-commitment. Also, try to take some time to be by yourself and do nothing. Take a walk or a nap or have quiet time to read.

Fourth, don’t overindulge. Eat well, get enough sleep, exercise, and limit drinking. Have a healthy snack before going to a holiday gathering. You can show your children that healthy choices improve the holidays for everyone, even if others are being difficult.

Fifth, be aware of the stresses of having a house full of guests. This is often particularly stressful for adolescents, who may tend to feel like their privacy is being invaded. We need to be aware of children’s need and desire for privacy.

Finally, I remind parents to avoid forcing their children to have physical contact with relatives they are shy around or afraid of. Forcing a young child into body contact with a relative or family friend removes the child’s sense of personal boundaries. Knowing they have the right to refuse contact is an important safety lesson and one that is best learned early on.

Holiday stresses can be plentiful, but they don’t have to be. Trying these suggestions can help you have more rewarding holidays.